I Am Said I (Huruma)

"...his place will never be with those cold and timid souls who have never known neither victory nor defeat." (Teddy Roosevelt) TOUCHING THE VOID (2004) I’m borrowing 'Touching The Void', the title of the book by Joe Simpson. Because I feel I've touched the void in some way these past months. Derry calls it convergence while I call it providence - the way I came by this book. I got so fed up of being in bed sick and depressed that I went to our College Library, which is directly across from my room. I went there looking for something to lift, or at least distract me. There’s a collection of old Reader’s Digest condensed books and as soon as I saw the title - Touching The Void - it spoke to me and I took it. The book was written in 1988 and tells the extraordinary story of a mountain expedition embarked on in South America by Joe and his colleague Simon Yates. It’s well worth reading.  The day after I found the book I turned on Lyric FM radio to hear...

Maybe when I am old I will put away the straight jacket And put on a red shoe And a green one With odd socks And a bright yellow top Over my fat belly Not caring and being pleased With this humanity Gift in whom God Takes great delight I will lay bare the heart The divine word written There And being loved And giving in to it All of the time I will live the threefold Love Of God and you and me Let there be no maybe about it And let no addict in me Put off life until tomorrow Today may not be ripe For gaudy dressing and other Forms of mad freedom But this is the day And now is the time Of grace

I do not hesitate To bend To the tying of my shoes Each morning I rise To thoughtless Simple gestures Bending To the lowly places Of my life To find my God Who has bent before To meet me there.

The child crawls Onto my lap Not yet one year old The withered face Of an ancient curse Black candles on the cake This nightmare that leads Into temptation Mocking the attempt At liberty A grain of wheat Must fall into the dark Earth and die before bearing Fruit And I have fallen Fell muddied Messing up the life That is in me and them Memory pierces me Freezing frost of guilt Threatening the fruit That blossomed The joy In the approach Of year's end my stride Stumbling Faltered fear of failure Like a bereavement That will not go away Nor awaken But I am awake And faltering is not Failure or even fallen

House of Bread House of God House of Jesus House of Mary House of Joseph House of Bread Bread of life Bread of love Bread of faith Bread of hope Bread of consolation Bread of peace Bread of joy Bread of patience Bread of kindness Bread of goodness Bread of gentleness Bread of mercy Bread of justice Bread for the poor Bread for the hungry Bread for the sinner Bread for the addict Bread for the homeless Bread for the exile Bread for the lonely Bread for the child Bread for the man Bread for the woman Bread for the old Bread for the weak Bread of speech Bread of song Bread of music Bread of all creation. Generously given Glory to God And peace on earth. Amen.

He leaned upon The ancient Olive tree Its thousand years Of waiting at an end The Hour had come For Him to fall prostrated In a pool of perspired blood The Father’s flood of silence This alone the witness The Olive tree and me. A couple of thousand Years again I prayed Beneath the shade Of that same tree And there I learned That it’s not for us To know the joy of Rising yet Not even death’s respite It’s ours to hold The cup that does not pass The chalice that holds us In His sacrifice Until the Hour has come For its consumption

Most Lovely Innocent God Beautiful Child Jesus Christ I hold your tender Body In my caring hands And you offer no resistance Orphaned as you are now And looking for a father in me But I have abused you My early love distorted Show your Justice And your Mercy too For I have been abused. Most Holy Gracious God Beautiful Lord Jesus Christ I hold your bloody Body In my guilty hands And you offer no resistance Wounded as you are now And looking for a mother in me But I have betrayed you My early love deserted Show your Justice And your Mercy too For I have been betrayed. Most Loving Generous God Beautiful Bread Jesus Christ I hold your sacred Body In my hungry hands And you offer no resistance Given as you are to self-giving.

They have names For him and opinions About him Disapproving He expects no more Than the unwanted change Of our excess A cigarette to quell The madness of addiction Surprised that he is loved The more in deprivation A child of God His song finds a hearing In Heaven and in me A voice deeply lived in Beyond his years May he be blessed More deeply still As I in him am blessed

A black shadow hovered On the outskirts of our joy Snapping at our dancing heels And skipping hearts We were bathed in a blessed state Heedless of the menace That would pounce And knock us into the hell Of complaining Stiff-necked like old Israel Forgetful of the good Perfectionism gaining ground Grace abiding slipping from our grasp We failed to seize the day

I love Couples walking Hand in hand Athletes training Children playing Babies in wonder Sunshine in the park Bright colours dancing And then a sudden downpour! I am tempted To hide from it Stand back and run But there is shelter From the worst of it Under the canopy of trees Solitude of the rain In an emptied park The prattle of it Creating interior silence Swans and ducks At home At ease And when the leaves Submit to the waters weight I too must surrender I bless the rain Letting it have its way with me And it is holy water Ezekiel’s prophecy I shall pour clean Water over you And you shall be Cleansed Baptism Refreshment Red Sea Liberty Here is Content happiness Ever before the sun Breaks through again

I latch leach-like Onto my family Blood Being the only thing That can sustain me Through the darkest Of days No need of explanation Or analysis of our Consanguinity We are who we are In each other Drawing life From our communion Understood We do not suck Each other dry But fall away Replenished Into our respective Separateness

These years now The sun has beaten down The burning road By which I stand In unproductive sand And You come to me Looking for fruit! When I am a waste of space So out of date and out of shape What else could I expect Except that You would cut me down? Cut it off The sinful hand And wayward foot Pluck it out The lustful eye And still To my surprised relief You wait another year To give another chance

(In honour of Mother and Father) I want to feel  The heart of the Mother The flesh-pang of the Father  All dependent She throws herself In front of a car To save the life He holds a hospital hostage That the child can be treated And live It is instinct Not reason That will do anything To spare the fruit Of loins and womb Such love Does not pause To think things through Only they know How to pray With such desperation To take God on At the coalface Fighting to the last Drop of sweat For the last Drop of blood For life they wrestle With Life Demanding A blessing and a declaration No matter what The injury to self It is the only prayer Worth praying The only worthwhile way In it they are most Like God +++ Jesus left Gennesaret and withdrew to the region of Tyre and Sidon. Then out came a Canaanite woman from that district and started shouting, ‘Sir, Son of David, take pity on me. My daughter is tormented by a devil.’ But he answered her not a word. And his disciples went and plea...